It’s the day after thanksgiving, the biggest shopping day of the year. You have waited what seems like forever for this day to come. It’s the first black Friday where you can drive and bring friends. It’s three o’clock in the morning and all you can think about is getting to your favorite store to get the greatest sale ever. Your friends had slept over the night before, we all rush to the car like a Nascar car racing around the track. We get into the car and we’re off. The music blaring, and the cars rushing by just increase the adrenaline rush that I’m feeling right now. Right now all I can think about is which store am I going to go to first, or “who will I buy the first gift for?” Whenever I go shopping it is like a fantasy love story. Everything is perfect, the price , the size, and the color to bring out my blue eyes.
All this day dreaming about my perfect shopping experience has got me distracted from driving. The neon flashing lights of the police cars wake me up from my day-dreaming. The lights shining in my mirror are almost blinding. I get an instant headache after the loud sirens, and the bright lights. It didn’t help that my friends were screaming and singing in the backseat. I reluctantly pull over thinking about how I might miss the deal at the mall. When I pull over the police officer approaches my window, and tells me what I did wrong. Obviously I was speeding. After receiving a warning from the police officer, I am back on the road to the mall, this time being very careful not to speed. Finally we pull into the mall parking lot. We get there two hours before the mall opens, but there is already a line of at least twenty-five to thirty people. We run out of the car door sprinting in the line.
We’ve been in line for about an hour and a half completely not noticing the other people that were around us. The time had slowly ticked by, as if I was waiting to meet the president or something. Finally it was down to the final 5 minutes , then the final 4, all the way until the 30 second countdown began. It starts, 30, 29, the noise around me is so loud, and so exciting, you could feel the adrenaline all around. The final moment that I had waited for was finally a matter of seconds away. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The doors slowly open, and there is a mad rush into the mall. The mall was like the perfect start to my fairytale. All lit up with the Christmas decorations. It felt like it was just me, my friends, and the mall. Everything was perfect.
Friday, February 19, 2010
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Hey Karissa! Great writing piece. I felt that I was with the people in this story. Good sense of detail. It was a very well done piece. Good work! :)
ReplyDeleteWell-written scene with the police officer; I could feel your character's annoyance at having to wait for him. Go back to your first few sentences. You begin with a second-person narrative (You) and switch to a first-person narrative (I). Instead of switching use first-person throughout the piece.
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